How to take over again

I choose the the hardest path just because I thought it was cool. My stubborn for choosing the toughness just to seem cool.

before AI I learn to program reading the docs of the language on internet so clang.org/docs python3.org/docs was an excellent site.

I didn’t appreciate those moments until now, I taught me that I cannot depend from any kind of help to do the hard things, holding the conception of being an enciclopedia about programming.

I said:

I have to like peak of the peak, knowing even the most ridiculous syntax of the language.

Comming from a background of maths, programming seems hard, trying to express my line of thoughts(clear thinking).

The hardship of your personality is the best part that everyone has.

I don’t stop appreciating all the time how one of my teachers when I was 16 taught me how to program in paper for a exam that was a fibonnacci series in C++.

I failed, but It was because I thought that programming was like college a series of true and false answers that If I know tha pattern I could skip or accelerate things.

I hadn’t been seeing the beauty of creating things, just the perish of knowing more than the rest by “talent” or just simple luck.

I wasn’t enough If everyone around you doesn’t know what are you talking about, you seem crazy in a world, where for more than 30K none was interested in computing in some sense, seems like black box a bunch of “magic”.

who could guess I was a contrarian going against all the culture, until I didn’t know where I was going I just knew that I was right.

call me Don Quijote, but I wasn’t that delusional, I knew I could make, I didn’t say they were less than me.

I knew that I can make, as a fire in a storm it seems remotely impossible, but in fact is just that torch when the fate of everyone was that I have to fail, when I made it, i didn’t thought i made it, this is just the beginning.

I didn’t stop, comming from an immigrant background(I didn’t know in the moment), I knew I have to be all-in, 24/7 thinking and acting.

Life was simple, because I knew less, everything seemed just one path.

I got it I have to work my ass off and outwork and outsmart everyone.

I didn’t go as I thought, my line of thought was right I knew how to do it, but I was just a bunch of knowledge without agency, doing what I have to do.

Scared about what i don’t know, scared and anxious about what they would think about me.

I made a bunch of mistakes, but those mistakes weren’t enough. I regret that.

the perfection was clearly one of my goals, the perfection of one-shot.

How wrong I was, but I was aware of that, I took drastic decisions I know my limitations were connected deeply with my behaviour and personality.

to become the person you want, you must destroy the person you are

I knew that I was the only option, how could I destroy something that brought me here.

Simple, you just do it, at least that was, I started dramatically changing, my way of talk, my line of thoughts, my judgement, but even that, It wasn’t enough, so what can I do that can produce all that and make me better